On Aug. 13, Sara Burnett of The Associated Press published an article titled “Illinois Democrats look to eliminate GOP House district.” She reported that, due to the exodus of bodies out of Illinois, the Land of Lincoln was losing another House District. I came across the article in the Kankakee Daily Journal, although it went national.

As it seems a myth there is an actual Republican Party structure in the state of Illinois, compliments of the ever-expanding sinkhole called Chicago, Democrats will do some creative gerrymandering in order to eliminate one of the five Republican districts. Wonder if House Speaker Chris Welch will invite Mike Madigan to that party? Com Ed can buy the beer.

For the record, Burnett civilly called it redistricting; Webber called it gerrymandering, a term Webster explains to divide a state into political units that give one group an unfair advantage. Neither party is above such shenanigans, but Ms. Burnett appears to lean to the same port side as her employer, so she wasn’t going to cast aspersions on Democrats. That leaves it up to me.

Currently, there are 18 congressional districts in Illinois. Thirteen of the districts are held by Dems and five by the GOP. Due to the new census counts, Illinois will be reduced to 17 districts, giving one of the most upside-down states in the Union an even stronger Democrat majority. Where Dems controlled 72% of Illinois’ districts, they will now have control of 76% of districts, both senators, and the governorship, absurd for a state that leads the nation in most embarrassing categories.

This would be a good time to point out that while campaigning for governor, “Toilets” Pritzker, promised to veto maps drawn by politicians. It has been long thought by people who don’t tell fibs for a living that redistricting maps should be drawn by an independent body. What a novel thought – taking power away from politicians.

Burnett pointed out that the area most likely to be redistricted might be in central or southern Illinois, where the population losses were greatest. She also brought up the GOP only needs to pick up five more seats to take the US House, so one might be led to believe she gave logical points.

However, those observations would make more sense if the state were even reasonably a smidgeon fiscally responsible, such as it is by our neighboring states. Burnett made no mention of this. In Chebanse, if something was not working, we’d try something else. But hey, here in Illinois we’re the Titanic, we have a schedule to meet.

The five Representatives to play musical chairs bingo at the Democrats Gerrymandering Party will be Rodney Davis, Darin LaHood, Mike Bost, Mary Miller, and Adam Kinzinger, again according to Burnett.

Burnett waxes poetically that the Democrats might carve up Kinzinger’s district instead of the areas where the population declined most. Her reasoning is by whittling at the Kiz’s fiefdom, they would blend more Democrat voters into districts that had the gall to vote Republican in past elections. This encompasses the counties of McHenry, Kane, and DuPage.

Some though — well me anyway — think she might have been generous calling the Kiz a Republican. Doing so reminds me of a joke about a piccolo player, which I have revised and directed at Illinois GOP Chairman Don Tracy:

“Mr. Tracy, sir, I ain’t the man that called Republican Adam Kinzinger a turncoat. And Don, my man, I ain’t the man standing next to the man … that called your man, Adam, a turncoat. But Chairman, what I’d like to know … who the heck called that turncoat a Republican!”

Why would they need to carve up Kiz’s district? The man has proven he’s a Democrat in a pin-stripe suit, possibly fetching vodka for Nancy Pelosi’s coffee cup. If you don’t believe it, why did Pelosi hand-pick the Kiz to bawl in front of the nation at the Jan. 6 probe? If he’d had anything resembling a spine for the people he represented, he’d have turned down the position in favor of Jim Jordan, as the GOP wanted.

So, it becomes a heads we win, tails you lose situation for the Ironfisted Illinois Democrat Party, the one that never, ever takes its hand out of the citizenry’s pocket. If Kiz wins his district, he’s back at Pelosi’s feet; if he loses, a Democrat will take his place. Just because he places an “R” at the end of his name, does not make it true. I still identify as a professional golfer; if you ask my buddies, they’ll tell you that dog won’t hunt.

If President Lincoln were to come back to life, he’d remind everybody he was born in Kentucky, raised in Indiana, and died in Washington, D.C. Illinois would probably never be mentioned.

In honor of Lincoln, we need to change our state motto.

Alan Webber is a local businessman, author, and blogger. He can be reached at editors@daily-journal.com or directly at packerbacker1957@yahoo.com