As I read several newspapers every day since I retired, I cannot help but wonder if there is any news other than the maltreatment of blacks, the mistrust of police, or the rise and fall of the numbers in the pandemic. Since I am a retired lawyer, I can pick on them a bit. I always believed that people hated lawyers until they needed one. So let’s have some fun with lawyers, politicians, and life in general.

Samuel Johnson was once quoted as saying, “I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.”

The woman looked at the renowned attorney, Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles and said, “How can I ever thank you?” Darrow replied, “Ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”

H.L. Menchen was once quoted. “The Penalty for laughing in court is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.”

Then the smattering of comparisons:

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in that’s a shame)?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff.

Q: Then what is the definition of a “crying shame”?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

A: The pronunciation.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

OK, some non-lawyer humor.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I‘m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she is going to buy me something when it comes. (Same guy)

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Not Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Goober, and of course, not Opie. They were all single except for Otis and he stayed drunk all the time.

Here are the Eight Most Important Facts in Life:

No. 8: Death is the number one killer in the world.

No. 7: Life is sexually transmitted.

No. 6: Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

No. 5: Give a person a fish and you can feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and he won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

No. 4: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital, dying of nothing.

No. 3: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

No. 2: In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and the people take Prozac to make it normal.

No. 1: Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might just burn your bottom tomorrow.

A few more from some friends of mine. Lexophile: A lover of words and games. Thus:

Venison for dinner again. Oh deer!

England has no kidney bank but they do have a Liverpool.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I am reading a book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down!

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I changed my iPod to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Now some important questions:

Why do we sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame when we are already there?

Is it true that horses like to shop at old Neigh-vy?

Is Clint Eastwood’s preschool really called Go Ahead and Make My Day Care Center?

And my final thought for the world today is this. Politicians are like diapers. They ought to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Have a good week and may we return to something normal as soon as we can.

Dennis Marek can be contacted through the Daily Journal at editors@daily-journal.com or through his personal email at dmarek@amb-ltd.com.

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