Disclaimer: This is neither an endorsement for nor condemnation of drinking alcohol. The fact is people consume alcohol and, as such, get drunk. I am not making light of drinking problems nor am I wanting anyone to drive while intoxicated.

A friend of mine hits the big 3-0 this weekend and the plan is to sit on the deck Saturday night and achieve the varying degrees of celebratory drunkenness.
What are these degrees, you ask? (And thanks for asking.)
I am limiting the stages of drunkenness to five. You may feel there are more or fewer. You can always comment and if you make a good enough argument, I may listen.
Basically, these levels are based upon my experiences, so they will have a twinge of male perspective.
Also, not all five stages are achieved each time you consume. You may never get out of level 1, which is where I like to spend most of my time.
Here they are, with regards to five topics (mood, memory, volume, speed of drink and bathroom function):

1) Buzzy
• Mood — If you started drinking when you were happy, you’re still happy. If you were angry, you’ve lightened up a little. You find funny what you normally would. Basically, no one can tell the difference between buzzy you and sober you.
• Memory — You will remember everything.
• Volume — You speak normally.
• Speed of drink — Still dictated by thirst level.
• Bathroom functions — Will hold it, not wanting to break the seal.
2) Tipsy
• Mood — Things are funnier, although you hesitate to rattle off a good belly laugh because you still might not want people to see the real you. If you stand up quickly, you get a little head rush, and you find that funny as well.
• Memory — You will remember everything, especially that you are having fun.
• Volume — You speak to people like they are three feet farther away than what they really are; no big deal.
• Speed of drink — They’re going down quicker.
• Bathroom functions — You realize the seal will have to be broken soon; you make a joke about going in the yard.
3) Loopy
• Mood — You begin to laugh at things that really aren’t as funny as you are making them out to be; you no longer care that people are looking at you but you still are mindful that a good, deep belly laugh may result in a fart, so you rein it in a little.
• Memory — You forgot the name of the person sitting next to you, but you call him Dude a lot. You’ll still remember all of this, especially that you are having a blast.
• Volume — You now feel people are now 6-10 feet farther away than they really are; when you have what you feel is a really good point to make, the neighbors across the street will hear it.
• Speed of drink — You realize that the sooner this drink is finished, you can another one.
• Bathroom functions — The lady in the bathroom is taking too long so you pee in the yard, keeping your modesty and hoping the neighbors don’t see.
4) Blitzy
• Mood — The filter is off, with the exception of your own deep, dark secrets. You don’t care if you do fart when you laugh because that will only make you laugh harder.
• Memory — You won’t remember a good portion of what you said when you were debating the best hair-metal band of all-time, but you will remember that you sang “Talk Dirty to Me” really loud when it came on the radio. Actions, after all, do speak louder than words.
• Volume — You know how loudly people talk when they have headphones on. You do this and don’t have headphones on. Or you may be wearing headphones and forgot to plug them into your I-pod.
• Speed of drink — Basically, you have the feeling that your stomach caught fire and the only way to douse the flame is this drink.
• Bathroom functions — No one is in the bathroom but you pee in your neighbor’s yard anyway, with your pants down to your ankles. You hope she does look out the window so you can moon her.
5) Poo-faced (still a family blog)
• Mood — You’ll admit your darkest sins to a total stranger and then ask them if they’d like to become one. You’ll then ask her to pull your finger and when she doesn’t, you fart anyway. Then you laugh.
• Memory — This will all be news to you in the morning.
• Volume — Everyone is Helen Keller. Even Helen would know you are drunk at this point.
• Speed of drink — You’ve had the same drink for 25 minutes and keep asking the person next to you if it is yours. There’s no point of drinking any more drinks, but you feel obligated to keep one in front of you, even though you’re not quite sure where your front is.
• Bathroom functions — You pee your pants; you are amazed at the warmth.