It’s that wonderful time of the year again. Yes, it is Christmastime, but I am talking about going to the dentist.
Actually, today is very busy. After the dentist, I have two trips to the vet and another trip to the dog groomer. I hope I don’t mix them up and go to the vet to get my teeth clean. I guess it could be worse; I could mix up a trip to the dentist and proctologist. That could be awful.
Last night, my three kids and I joined my mom, my sister-in-law and my aunt and uncle for supper at Cracker Barrel. My aunt and uncle were visiting from Arizona and Wednesday night was their last night in Illinois.
My wife had to work, as did my brother, so they missed the festivities.
As my wife was getting ready for work Wednesday afternoon, she told me how good Tyra and Tyrece were that morning. They were so good getting ready for school, she mentioned that after supper, I should let them pick out a toy at Target, since I had to go there for formula and diapers.
This is short and sweet, but immensely hilarious.
Start the joke-a-thon now.
• Does his neighborhood have a gay man crossing sign?
• I’ll bet he climbed Brokeback Mountain also (Caleb Benoit gets credit here).
• I guess his cane is multi-purposed.
OK readers, give me your jokes
As I was yelling at a co-worker for his ability to procrastinate, I used a phrase that really sounds stupid, once you think about — “you waited until the last dog died.”
I googled and couldn’t find any origin of the phrase, although Bill Clinton used it in a speech.
Of course, I love dogs, especially the five I’ve had in my life — Pokey (RIP), Taffy (RIP), Dixie, Evelyn and Hope, the three current pooches. Why in the world would I use that phrase?
I think my mom uses it and that’s where I got it.
Here are a few other dumb things I say with regularity.
• “There’s more than one way to skin a dead cat.”
• “You can’t swing a dead cat and not hit …” - refers to something that is in abundance, as in “You can’t swing a dead cat and not hit a dumb person.” (This may have come from the TV show Cheers.)
• “Letting the cat out of the bag.”
(I have a cat (Jessica) also, so I don’t know where all the sadistic stuff comes from. My mom has an unnatural fear of cats so maybe that’s where it all comes from.)
I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving went well. I will be eating leftover turkey until Christmas Eve.
On Tuesday, Jaclyn over at Diet Pop Culture asked for her readers to talk about their favorite Turkey Day movies.
Most readers replied with Christmas movies. So, to steal an idea from her, I’ll give you my top 10 Christmas movies. Let me know if you agree, or disagree.
Keep in mind, these are actual theatrically released movies. The Christmas specials, like Charlie Brown, Rudolph and Frosty, are not included here, but rest assured, we will do it before Christmas.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers. I hope you fill up on turkey and all of the fixings. And I hope Green Bay, Dallas and Indianapolis are victorious, although in the long run, it doesn’t matter. I can’t pick NFL games this year and have fallen way off the pace in the pool. My only hope is that the winners give a little back to the guy who runs the pool. Boy, is that a fleeting hope.
Thanksgiving, while a time of happiness, is always a little sad for me. My dad passed away on Thanksgiving weekend in 1991. He took a turn for the worse on Thanksgiving, lapsed into a coma on Friday and passed away that Sunday afternoon at 2:30.
My mom’s side celebrated Thanksgiving last Sunday and before we stopped there, we went to the cemetery in Watseka. That was the first time I brought Eleanor to his grave. I know he would be so proud to have a granddaughter, especially one so darn cute. It was a tough few minutes.
ABC will be running “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” Tuesday at 7 p.m. CST.
First of all, my hat’s off to ABC for putting the show on close to Thanksgiving. Most of the holiday cartoons are broadcast so far in advance of the actual holiday; it’s good to see one close to the holiday.
I fancy myself a Charlie Brown aficionado and the Thanksgiving episode is my favorite, next to A Charlie Brown Christmas, the greatest holiday cartoon of all-time. More on Christmas specials as we move closer to Christmas.
The Thanksgiving show has the classic confrontation between Snoopy and the folding chair, as well as the often-quoted (at my house anyway) “I haven’t even finished all of my Halloween candy.”
We all do it, or at least try to. Maybe we wear a larger shirt to cover up the extra holiday pounds. Maybe there is something else you do to try to fool yourself.
We do one religiously in our house; we used to do two, but I finally got my way.
The first isn’t really all that deceptive, and I bet at least one other Tim-bitter does it. I take care of the family finances and I leave “a buffer” in the checking account, so I always “think” I have $100 less in the bank than I really do. It’s dumb, I know. On Day 12 or 13 of the pay period, I have negative signs in the checkbook anyway, but the buffer keeps me in the black. As I said, it’s dumb, but I do it anyway.
The other involves, or I should say involved the bedroom alarm clock. When my wife worked mornings, she insisted we put the actual time ahead 30 minutes. That way, when the alarm went off at 6 a.m., it was really only 5:30 a.m., and she had more time to get ready.
I argued it was too easy to figure out, so she insisted we change to an odd time, like 27 minutes. I fought back with the idea that three minutes really didn’t make a difference and that if it meant more sleep, I knew she could factor out pi to the 11th decimal place.
The point is I knew, and she knew, it wasn’t going to work. Also, it led to odd Saturday night conversations like ”What time do you want me to set the alarm for?”
“Eight,” she’d say.
“Eight real time, or eight clock time?”
Another weird thing always happened when we had guests. Our bedroom used to be downstairs and if we’d leave the door open, people would walk into the hallway, look at the large green numbers in our room and always say “Is it really 8:30? My watch says 8.”
Now that she works afternoons, it’s no longer an issue and the bedroom clock tells the correct time. It still goes off way too freakin’ early, but I already blogged on that topic.
My wife also alters the clocks in the vehicles. She runs late a lot. She will be late to her own funeral.
What about you guys? Anybody else fool themselves or is my household the only one?
Oh yeah, I’ll tell you something,
I think you’ll understand.
When I’ll say that something …
The Beatles won 8-5 over Eric Clapton, ending Rock of Ages where most of us thought they would, atop the heap. I can hear my brother screaming from here. I am going to get him Beatles No. 1s for Christmas, and then we will work our way through the White, Red and Blue CDs.
My thanks to all who voted during the LONG competition.
I’d appreciate any feedback, even if it is to say you didn’t like it. If I get any positive feedback, I may do it again with movies, TV shows, etc.
I am in a busy time in the sports department, working on the basketball special section. Once I get through that, I will resume my daily posts.
If anyone has any ideas for a post, feel free to let me know. Comment here or e-mail (timahrens@daily-journal.com). Hey, you can even pick up a phone and call (815-937-3393).
Again, my thanks to most of you for reading. The numbers are way up and I hope to read comments from even more of you. I am glad to have my many regulars but I know there are more of you reading. The more, the merrier … (Do I overuse the ellipsis or what …?)
~ Tim Ahrens
Tim-bits
Eric Clapton vs. The Beatles
